An interesting idea has been bubbling up recently in online dialogue from a creator, Divya Venn. She wrote the following tweet:
“Being annoyed is the price you pay for community.
It means having guests when you'd rather be alone.
It means letting someone live with you even when they get on your nerves.
It means showing up for events that you'd rather not go to.
It means turning the other cheek.”
To be part of a community is to be inconvenienced. In our hyper-individualistic Western world, we often fall victim to isolation.
Many systems of our daily lives prioritize efficiency over human connection. Remote work has eliminated opportunities for small talk at the office, social media replaces face-to-face interactions. In many ways, this is a consequence of our external environment, but I’m in the camp that believes we still have agency.
We are hard-wired to function in a village. Even though modern life no longer forces us into community, we are undeniably better off when we embrace it. The challenge? Learning to be in a village means learning how to be annoyed.
What is a village?
We often hear the phrase “it takes a village” when raising a child, but many new parents today are left wondering: where is the village?
Lily Younger explored this in her 2016 piece, If It Takes a Village, Where’s the Village? She wrote:
“Since becoming a parent, I don’t feel like I have a village. I don’t know if it’s where we live or because we don’t have family in town or if it’s because that’s just not how society is these days or if it’s just me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I don’t have anyone to turn to for help. I have a great group of friends and a very supportive family. But, there still seems to be a sense of nobody wants to step on anyone’s toes when it comes to parenting.”
This hesitation, or how Younger puts it: the fear of overstepping, is one of the biggest shifts we’ve seen in modern relationships. People are so afraid of conflict that they avoid deep engagement altogether. We tiptoe around difficult conversations, choosing politeness over honesty.
The truth is: avoiding discomfort doesn’t strengthen relationships. It weakens them.
If you can’t openly discuss boundaries with a friend… are you really friends? If you never voice frustration, if you never disagree, if you never get to the point where you sacrifice convenience for the sake of time together, are you actually in community?
Being part of a village sometimes means offering help before it’s asked for and without expectation of immediate return.
This is where reciprocity comes in.
What even is reciprocity?
Funny enough, scholars can’t even agree on a single definition. According to Beltran et al. (2023):
“After decades of research on the topic of reciprocity, there is still no consensus about the meaning of the term. Instead, there has been a proliferation of reciprocity terms with varied definitions, some of which overlap in ways that lead to confusion for scholars studying cooperation (...) Given the complexity and diversity of cooperation in which humans and other species engage, it is no surprise that 34 definitions of the term reciprocity have been offered thus far.
34?! No wonder it is so difficult to understand how to show up in community with others when we can’t even define what showing up is.
The definition of reciprocity from the American Psychological Association is clear and concise, outlining the following:
“reciprocity; quality of an act, process, or relationship in which one person receives benefits from another and, in return, provides an equivalent benefit.”
Reciprocity can be applied to an act, a process or a relationship. It is not guaranteed to lead to a mutually beneficial long-term commitment, but I do believe that it sets the foundation for one.
Reciprocity is not one-sided. However, the benefit experienced from both parties is not always immediate either.
Sometimes, you’ll be the one giving more. Sometimes, you’ll be the one showing up, rearranging plans, or sacrificing your convenience for the sake of someone else. And sometimes, you’ll be in need, hoping that someone else does the same for you.
One of the classic examples? Picking someone up from the airport.
No one wants to do it. It’s inconvenient, out of the way, and disruptive of plans. Sitting in that line trying to time when someone gets out of the building with when you are pulling up so you don’t get kicked out, yeesh! Stress! But, from the other end it’s a massive help for the person you’re picking up. A friendly face after a long day of coordination and timing, a place where you can finally give a big sigh of relief.
That’s community. That’s the village. A place where you come home. A place where you can relax. A place where you can come as you are and also learn how to be better for the ones you love.
It’s knowing that you have fans in the stands when you are throwing an event, presenting a passion, or taking a risk. It’s also bringing the pompoms when it’s your turn to be a cheerleader.
Are you ready to be a villager?
I sometimes daydream about living off the land in the middle of nowhere, raising families together with my favourite people, tending to a big garden, and maybe even raising some chickens. Weird. Maybe? Far-fetched? Yep.
In all honestly, the idea of a village feels right; a built-in community of support, care, and togetherness. Creating systems that foster connection simply by being part of them. But we don’t all need to start creating tiny homesteads to make that happen…
Villages don’t just happen. They are built.
That work can start now, not later. Not when you are already isolated and wanting the advice and support from others.
To build a village, you must take action. That action requires discomfort. It requires honesty. It requires showing up when it’s inconvenient. It requires letting people annoy you. It requires finding ways to disagree respectfully. These are all things we are capable today. We can all build deeper relationships, reciprocate support, and work towards creating our own villages, without even needing to look up the price of a chicken coop.
I’ll leave you with a quote from the Nobel Prize museum in Stockholm:
“We all disagree with other people sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with having differing opinions. The question is how we should solve our disagreements. What should two presidents do when their countries don’t agree on something? What should two friends who disagree do? Making peace can involve finding good ways to solve problems and create a solution that is fair for everyone.”
In the end, isn’t that what we all want? A place where we can voice different concerns and know our disagreements can be solved with love and respect? A village? A place where you can reciprocate learnings, love, and support?
If that’s the case, then maybe…just maybe…we should all be more willing to be annoyed.
Maybe the moment after the annoyance is when we learn how to truly come together.
Incredible as always, your timing for this could not be better. Let's hope for more people to adopt a similar mindset going forward. You should be proud of your ability to put these abstract thoughts to words.
Really well written and I couldn’t agree more, this has been on my mind a lot lately and I haven’t really been able to put it into words so thank you!